I'm going to tell you something that I should have long ago

i've never been a techy. I'm not really into computers or gadgets or video-games or having the lastest and greatest whatever.

i never really cared that i had a generic Nokia instead of the Mottorola RZR when they were all the rage.

but, since i went back to work late last summer and noticed that everyone and they're dog seems to have a Blackberry i admit i've had some serious smartphone envy.

this was made worse earlier this week when Jay received his brand new Bold.

so, i upgraded too. i am now in posession of my new white 16GB 3Gs iPhone. it is pretty. i haven't turned it on yet because i have to wait for the dude to call me back and activate it but hopefully by the time i'm on the bus tonight i'll be surfing.

i heart my new phone.

slight figure of speech, i cut my chest wide open

i know that i should be using it's instead of its but i'm lazy and that little ' is extra work

I am sick with wanting and it's evil and it's daunting How I let everything I cherish lay to waste

rough day. not that it takes much to set me off these days.

i was in the elevator at work and there was a pregnant woman and she was rubbing her belly and it just reminded me of how i was "supposed" to be pregnant again right now. a reminder of how the plans i had or thought i had are in the trash.

mini nervous breakdown.

but, i have to remind myself that there is a reason for this, perhaps its that it was "my" plan. perhaps i'll never know. i also have to remind myself of all the things i have to be thankful for. i already have two beautiful children.

its also not like i'm pining for another baby every day. in fact most days i think yep, done with that. so i was a little taken aback that it bothered me so much.

i think i'm also stressed about Jay's trip and what it will mean for me even thought its months away. which there is no point in doing so. i know that. logically at least.

ugh, life sometimes.

i haven't finished a thing since i've started my life, i don't feel much like starting now

was going to do a solo trip to Deacon this weekend for some r & r but mom has a gastro thing and it didn't work out.

i have some nice sleeping pills (Dr. prescribed) so the r & r isn't as needed as it was earlier in the week.

last night Jay and I watched 500 days of summer. it was enjoyable.

today was church and then a country drive while the kids slept. now we're watching the playoffs. all in all a typical Sunday.

looking forward to next weekend. i've tasked Jay to find something fun for us to do. bowling, the casino, ball room dancing, whatever.

where there are no lines separating the truth from the lies

today is dumb. i took the kids downtown for their second round of flu-shots. then back to Kanata to drop them at daycare and now i'm back downtown at work and have an appointment at 2:30 so I have to leave about 2:00.

i will be at work for a grand total of 3 hours 1 of which is being spent on lunch aka, right now.

if the afternoon appointment wasn't also downtown i would not have bothered wasting gas etc.

i also have a headache.

in cheery news, actually i don't have any cheery news. i don't even have any vaguely humerous anecdotes.

well, it could always be worse.

have you donated money to the people of Haiti yet? i haven't. not that i think it's a bad idea. it's a great idea. just please don't post to Facebook that you did to ease your social conscience, or your ego for that matter. it bugs me. it bugs Jay too. and no i don't believe you when you say you are just trying to draw attention to the cause. we don't live under rocks. oh and "you" truly is not anyone specific.

i can tell my my rising level snarkiness that another round of zoloft may be in order. short order.

angst on the planks, spitting from a bridge, just to see how far down it really is

i would like a drama free, major decision free week.

don't stand too close to me, don't be another tragedy, I've burned everybody that had a hand to lend

believe it or not, the song the title comes from is quite jaunty.

crap day. seem to have a lot of those lately. this whole daycare thing has stressed me out beyond belief.

i gave our notice to our current caregiver and they graciously offered to give us the $10 a day discount and even offered to adjust the drop off times to better accomodate my work schedule. so i thought our problem was solved. my only worry was how to break it to the new caregiver.

but then, when i picked up the kids last night i mentioned something about Nate going to school in Sept and learned that there isn't a bus route close to them so she can't accomodate Nate in the fall. so, that plan fell apart again beause as much as i think it hurts the kids to switch caregivers. to me its even worse to split the kids up. the logisitics alone of dropping and picking the kids up at two different spots.

anyway, i'm back to the plan of switching and i'm supposed to drop off the deposit tonight to the new person.

ugh, i just can't get rid of this guilt that i am somehow wrecking my babies by failing to provide them with stability. i'm sure i'm overreacting...

does your mother tell you things? long, long, when I'm gone

kind of a bummer day.

gave notice to our current caregiver. as much as i want to save money etc. it was REALLY hard. she's a great caregiver and the kids love her. i hate giving people bad news. well, people i like anyway.

so, back before Christmas our department laid off 9 people. today, one of those people came to visit as in, not just the lobby downstairs but came to visit in our actual office. i found it extremely odd. i mean its one thing if you move away somewhere and come back to town and want to see some people but i just found it in absolute poor taste and i would not have wanted to be the person who let her in...

a number of us had some stunned looks when we saw her. that being said she found a new job and that is great for her. i certainly don't wish her any ill will.

crazy stuff in Haiti right now. we truly do live in a cozy little bubble don't we.

who'll love me for the man i've become not the man that i was

i haven't felt much like blogging lately. haven't been very cheery, haven't had very much to say.

the kid's caregiver is finally back tomorrow. we're probably going to switch caregivers though - just have to give notice. found someone just around the corner - even closer and $10 per day cheaper and not from another country and i'm not saying that because i think that makes some kind of difference in the caregiver but i've now used 2 different caregivers from different countries overseas and both have left for extended periods of time. that is my problem.

oh, and the new one will allow us to drop the kids off at 7:00am so no more late for work!

good news - Jay got the new position he's wanted for a while. so more work satisfaction for him plus no shift work though there will almost for sure be a deployment this fall. that i can deal with.

i've also finally decided on a resolution of sorts. i am going to work harder at maintaining my friendships this year. make more time for friends. yes, the kids are important but they've become an excuse for me to be an anti-social hermit.

7:30 and i'm beat already...

and like a bird in a cage, i broke in and demanded that somebody free it

Been busy this week. i worked on Monday then was off Tues - (well, today actually) taking care of the kids and I go back to work tomorrow.

Yesterday we went to Tara's for a visit and to get out of the house for a change of scenery. It has been cloudy and snowing (off and on) for the past week and it is downright depressing. Sunshine please. From the weather forecast i may finally get my wish but of course it's chilly.

Our caregiver should be back next week and I'm anxious to get back to normal. We're actually thinking of switching though. Aside from possible future trips to Iran. She is not very flexible time wise (I'm late for work every day and have to make it up at lunch). She is also expensive.

Yesterday I also did groceries. Living in Ottawa we don't exactly get many "celebrity" sightings but in the Superstore I saw two of our local tv news personalities. It was like A-Channel shopping day. I can also vouch for the camera adds 10 pounds thing because if its possible, Angie Porier is even tinier in real life.

oh baby i feel so down

i thrive on routine. on plans. on predictability. i am not good with things that i can't control. with spontaneity. i desperately want our caregiver to come back from Iran already so things can get back to normal.

don't get me wrong, extra time with the kids is great but taxing at the same time and they thrive on regular routine as well.

one more week.

Jay is back to work as of today - always hate when he works weekends - lonely and boring.

well, Nate calls.