and that ain't the hardest part, the hardest part is...

so even though it's kind of hokey we heard it was a good thing to do in our situation. so, Jay went to build a bear today and made Nate a Daddy bear, actually its a monkey cause Nate liked it best. And it has a Daddy uniform and everything. but the kicker, Jay recorded a phrase for it saying "I love you Nate, be home soon".

when i heard it, I balled.

i think it's hit me...

fool enough to almost be it, cool enough to not quite see it, doomed...

on vacation or rather staycation spending time with the fam before...well, before!

it's been a tad boring, its hard to keep the kids entertained all day! yesterday we ended up taking a spur of the moment trip to Deacon. partly because we knew it would be nice for the kids but also because the drive kills an hour and a half.

is that terrible?

we had a lovely double b-day dinner (Jay and I) and GG's fabulous chocolate cake with the marshmallow like icing. so good, so good i had some for breakfast this am!

I think Jay and I are going to go out for dinner and stuff on Friday night, sort of a last or almost last date night for a while...

sigh...

and all around us is just decay

Emily Bronte 20 Classic Last Words in Books Photo 9 of 21 EW.com

Look at the bloody cover of this book. Is this really what is needed to sell classics now? To sell them as "Bella & Edward's favourite book"?

Are you kidding me?

I'm sad, very sad. This is a sad, sad day.

It's time for the anti-twilight revolution people!

today is the greatest day i've ever known

actually it was just another day but i thought we'd lighten the mood.

i told my boss i was bored at work. she asked me what i wanted to do. i think that's the hardest part. i don't really know. actually i do know. i want to do or at least try something in interior design. so anything at my current place of work is kind of...i don't want to say pointless because you can take your skills to any job but...pointless...

i like my place of work. when i have something challenging i like my job but when we're in a lull it can be downright dreadful. but is it worth switching to something else while i do my schooling? or do i stick it out. probably stick it out unless something really fabulous comes up in the meantime.

and then i wonder am i just having "a moment"? is it because things are a little crazy right now that i'm so unsatisfied (with work).

In the meantime, Susan and I will dream about RK Interiors and have fun picking out where our store front will go, what font we'll use for our name etc. etc.

I'm going to be just fine.

and sometimes i don't have the energy to prove everybody wrong

as i was listening to music on the way to work this am i started compiling a list of songs that i should probably not listen to over the next while. there's a definite theme but some just make me cry regardless. This is what i have so far:

Traveling Soldier - Dixie Chicks

The Ghost of You - My Chemical Romance

Hero of War - Rise Against

Poison Oak - Bright Eyes

Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie

The Scientist - Coldplay

Call me on your way back home - Ryan Adams

What Sara Said - Death Cab for Cutie

Hallelujah - (Jeff Buckley version)

I know there's more, which once again i'll probably discover on the bus after i've already started crying.

ok - time to go and sweat it out on the treadmill!

What Are You Looking At?

What Are You Looking At?

This is exactly the kind of parenting that lends itself to entitled little brats. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.

cotton candy and a rotten mouth

well, after a brutal week it's been a good weekend. nothing thrilling, just the usual but I'm going to enjoy Jay while I can.

took the kids to the park yesterday afternoon. today it poured all day so I cleaned while Jay entertained the kids. i even took all the curtains down and washed them.

ok, well, i can't type and watch Mad Men.

cut my heart in half and discard the evidence

not a great week emotionally. it's like i can feel myself cracking, losing control.

and then the guilt for feeling this way when really things could be so much worse.

but my mind drifts and i starting thinking about scenarios and i can feel my heart beat go haywire and my chest tightens and its everything i can do to ward off a panic attack.

i really just want to scream sometimes, scream and break things. if i was rich i would break things and replace them. unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) i'm not rich and i like my stuff.

i did run on the treadmill a couple times this week and it really felt good to sweat it out.

moving on...

the park near our house "our park" is usually pretty empty. most of the time when we go its just us, occasionally another family or a couple kids are there but I've never seen more than 8 people there. The new splash pad (think concrete foundation with fun water fountains) was installed earlier this week and the last two evenings there have been between 20 and 30 people there.

I guess it's good...

Nate's had a blast that's for sure.

i used to think i was not like them but i'm beginning to have my doubts

I love Arcade Fire. I'm sorry I didn't drag someone to see them at Bluesfest this year...

Thursday night was brutal. I was hormonal and tired and Nate was pick pick picking and I lost it on him. I screamed so loud i terrified my own child who then cried for his caregiver which made me cry which made him feel guilty for making me cry then i had to try and explain that my crying was in no way his fault even thought it was a little big because he was crying for the caregiver.

Ugh, i had to call in on Friday due to puffy eyes and random bouts of crying.

So, what do I do when I need to feel better? I shopped. mostly for groceries and household stuff and school supplies for Nate and shampoo and stuff but I managed to spend $300.

The rest of the weekend went well I'm happy to say.

I think I'm feeling a bit sad that Nate is starting school already. Where did the last 4 years go? 4 years...

darlin don't you go and cut your hair unless you think it's going to make him change

this makes me want to cut my hair off - that and the fact i already have repetitive stress injuries from the blowdryer...

I know a place where no planes go

taking my kids to the grocery store is a bad idea. it just is. if Nate isn't strapped into the cart he touches everything. Mags gets bored and cranky. i can't focus, i can't actually shop. i end up yelling and/or bribing and it never ends well.

then, in the checkout line Nate tells everyone about how he pooped the day before. which was actually rather humorous but we're going to have to have a conversation about it.

i do not think that Nate is ADD or any other similar disorder but I do think he is what they would call a "spirited" child. i never thought I would have kids so badly behaved but guess what?!!

oh well, at least they're cute.

we got our pictures back from the studio. not bad considering the snaps were taken in between multiple melt-downs and stubborn refusals to sit still for longer than 3 seconds. they really are adorable.

I definitely need to find a babysitter so I can do groceries solo because I can't do this on a regular basis.

if the business men drink my blood

another week done and gone.

yesterday mom came down and we spent the afternoon shopping hitting up tile stores, fabric stores, second hand furniture stores, lighting stores and finally Homesense.

We could have spent hours in each place, especially the fabric store.

At Homesense I finally bought a new duvet cover set and some new sheets (I decided that after 7 years we needed some!) and a new lamp shade because, at the second hand store I bought a lamp.

Then we had to go get our portrait done at the Superstore. It did not go well. Mags had a meltdown. I have no idea why but I guess she was frightened. It was only $40 so I don't really care that they aren't the best pics ever at least we have a decent family pic before Sept.

Then Jay and I went to see Inception last night. It was awesome, such a good movie. I'm a little bit in love with Joseph Gordon Levitt.