the clanking of crystal, explosions off in the distance

i am actually watching "Twisted" on the bio channel which is a "reality" show on Dee Snyder of Twisted Sister fame.

this appears to be the "i'm taking my son to the tattoo parlour one".

i think i'll be changing the channel shortly.

well, it's time to wax nostalgic (whatever that actually means) about the past year. 2010 started out rough but smoothed out along the way.

i think i would like to make 2011 the year of contentment. to be happy with what the Lord has blessed me with because quite frankly life is pretty good despite all the shit that happens along the way.

Cheers to 2011.

so everybody put their best suit or dress on, let's make believe that we are happy for just this once

no time to blog - semi frantically trying to finish my last assignment before the weekend and next weekend's exam.

BLAH!

Next Saturday i think i'll throw myself a little party. i'm looking forward to reading for fun again (got 2.5 books lined up!) watching tv without guilt and getting back on the treadmill.

well, the tree is down and i've started going through cupboards and closets organizing, and purging etc.

i've got no new years plans - will prob be in bed at 10:00. if I can get my assignment done I may treat myself to a movie. I see that Salt is on demand.

why am i so exhausted?

Merry Christmas

(photo Source: bellemaison23.com)

I'll be home for Christmas

good weekend. took the kids out for groceries on Saturday morning. still not my fave activity but we manage. i will admit that part of my (bad) parenting technique involves bribery with treats.

Saturday afternoon we went to the in-laws for our Christmas dinner. Was a little weird without Jay there but it was ok. Always nice to have dinner made for you.

Today we went to Church and then mostly stayed inside this aft - was thinking about taking the kids sliding but then Mags went down for a nap. they were happy to watch tv and chase each other around which was good since i managed to bake another batch of cookies.

And now I'm watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. My yearly tradition. Elf is on tomorrow night. Apparently I'm a Christmas nut. Mostly I'm just a sentimental nut.

Sigh....

best part of the day by far is that during the Christmas play at Church one of the kids stood up front and center with his finger up his nose digging away. classic!

oh, and we heard from Jay.

looking forward to a visit with Cali-Ally on Tuesday and really looking forward to a break from work and hanging with the fam. 5 sleeps to go.

jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

i'm mortified.

this afternoon was Nate's JK Christmas program and afterparty (aka potluck). as he and his class were singing Jingle Bells I started getting a bit emotional and had to fight the tears. I mean it's kind of a sentimental milestone and of course I was wishing Jay was there.

then at the potluck it was hot and i was frustrated and it was hard to keep track of Maggie and there were all these happy families and well, throw in the fact that i just generally dislike people and detest these small talk situations I pretty much lost it and started sobbing and the daycare director took pity on me and helped us to our car.

i'm laughing about it now but i'm going to be more than a little embarrassed when I take Nate in tomorrow!

oh well.

something so sick about this, my misery's so addictive

after a shaky start the week seems to be improving. i should qualify shaky as minor inconveniences in the grand scheme of life but irritating nonetheless.

Tuesday we got a bit of a snow storm which didn't even seem all that bad but it sure brought out the idiots and traffic was crawling everywhere. for most of my commute i didn't even hit the gas pedal but rather was prepared by the momentum from pressing and lifting by foot of the brake.

what normally takes me 10 minutes (or less) took me 1.5 hours!

frustrating. work is busy too and all i could think about was the absolute waste of time.

oh well. today was much better and much more productive.

getting excited for Christmas. also getting a bit sad.

Nate's first little Christmas play thingy is tomorrow.

Ok, it's been a few days so:

I am thankful for my awesome kids who make me laugh (and sometimes cry!) every day.

I am thankful that we are fortunate enough to celebrate the Santa (aka commercial) side of Christmas.

I am thankful that I know what is really important.

I am thankful for the snow that fell even if I left the house at 7:45 and didn't get to work until 11!

i'm wearing my heart on my sleeve

well, my search efforts have hit a snag. i can't get a copy of the death registration because i'm not considered next of kin (only full siblings) though I can get Dad to sign an authorization but quite honestly i was trying not to involve him.

i know my Uncle Gary used to have some contact with Dad's ex. I'm hoping he has some idea where she is since she's really who I need to talk to...

I got a quote from a PI for $1500 to find her. They're licensed blah blah blah. Still seems kind of steep.

I know Mom and Dad had a letter from (a lawyer?) and I think a copy of the obit - maybe I can get enough info to find her myself. I know there are letters from her to Dad and my Mom but they are old, from when Donnie was really young.

I could talk to my Dad but I'm partly afraid of bringing up the painful past and partly afraid of the answers I might get. I mean it's fairly screwed up that no one ever actually came out and said hey by the way you have (had) a brother. At least not that I can remember.

I know it's complicated...very complicated. I just wonder who they were trying to protect. I'm scared that someday some of the things I've done or will do because I think it's best for my kids will come back and haunt them like this haunts me. Not that my skeletons are grand.

Somewhere over the earth A song, a song Somewhere I have heard My brother is gone

I had a brother. I never knew him. He existed in a few photos and quiet whispers I wasn't supposed to hear and then he died. It was on Christmas Eve 1988. I was 11. He was 20.

I remember that evening in fragments which I can't be sure I'm not mixing up with others. We were at Grandma Kuehl's I remember the adults speaking in hushed tones. I remember my Dad stepping outside. I remember it snowed, that beautiful fluffy soft wet snow and we made snowmen when we got home. I actually remember it being one of the most beautiful nights ever.

I think I remember being told and not really caring in the way that an 11 year old would process news about a stranger dying because that's what he was....a stranger.

I don't know anything about him. I don't know what kind of person he was, what kind of music he liked, if he liked football or hockey. I don't know if he was going to be a doctor, lawyer or construction worker.

Lately, this is what keeps me up at night.

And so begins my search.

you were looking back on your days, how you spent them all in a blur

it's funny but the one thing I hate right now is picking the kids up. not because I'm picking them up - of course i'm happy to see them, it's having to drag Maggie into get Nate because I can't (obviously) leave her in the car and trying to get Nate in all his winter gear and chase after Mags stresses me out and it's exasperating.

at times like these i wish i had a way more chill personality.

it's also been a week since i've heard from my other half and i tend to get a little on edge. not because i'm worried but because i miss connection...

what are you waiting for? take a bite of my heart tonight

Saturday night was the BLG Christmas Gala and it was an awesome night. There is something about getting dressed up and wearing fake eyelashes! I danced my little butt off, didn't overdo it at the open bar and had a blast.